


How the Rench Stole LifeDay

by DarkSideOfMe



Category: How the Grinch Stole Christmas! - Dr. Seuss, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, F/M, How the Grinch Stole Christmas AU, Redemption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:06:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27851370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkSideOfMe/pseuds/DarkSideOfMe
Summary: A smutty retelling of this beloved holiday tale with our two favorite space lovers.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 26
Kudos: 49
Collections: Winter Gems 2020





	How the Rench Stole LifeDay

**Author's Note:**

  * For [murderblimp](https://archiveofourown.org/users/murderblimp/gifts), [Lillyanne33](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lillyanne33/gifts).



> This is complete crack and I wrote it in two hours. It's just for fun.  
> Text is obviously heavily borrowed from the Dr. Seuss classic (especially the beginning).  
> Happy holidays to you all, no matter how you celebrate!

Every Rebel down in Rebville liked LifeDay a lot…  
But the Rench, who lived just north of Rebville, did NOT!  
The Rench hated LifeDay! The whole LifeDay season!  
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.  
It could be his scar wasn't healed up just right.  
It could be, perhaps, that his pants were too tight.  
But I think that the most likely reason of all,  
May have been that his dick was two sizes too small.  


Whatever the reason, his dick or his pants,  
He stood there on LifeDay Eve, hating the Rebs,  
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Renchy frown,  
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.  
For he knew every Rebel down in Rebville beneath,  
Was busy now, hanging a Nightbloomer wreath.  
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer,  
"Tomorrow is LifeDay! It's practically here!"  
Then he growled, with his Rench fingers nervously drumming,  
"I MUST find some way to stop LifeDay from coming!"  


For tomorrow, he knew, all the Reb girls and boys,  
Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!  
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!  
Noise! Noise! Noise!  
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE!  
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!  


Then the Rebs, young and old, would sit down to a feast.  
And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST!  
FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!  
They would feast on Reb-pudding, and rare Reb-roast beast.  
Which was something the Rench couldn't stand in the least!  


And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!  
Every Reb down in Rebville, the tall and the small,  
Would stand close together, with LifeDay bells ringing.  
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Rebs would start singing!  
They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING!  
SING! SING! SING!

And the more the Rench thought of this Reb LifeDay-sing,  
The more the Rench thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"  
"Why, for a handful of years I've put up with it now!"  
"I MUST stop this LifeDay from coming! But HOW?"  
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!  
The Rench got a wonderful, awful idea!  
"I know just what to do!" The Rench laughed in his throat.  
And he made a quick LifeDay hood and coat.  
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Renchy trick!"  
Even though the coat was tight where his torso was thick.

"All I need is a tauntaun..." The Rench looked around.  
But, since tauntaun are scarce, there were none to be found.  
Did that stop the old Rench? No! The Rench simply said,  
"If I can't find a tauntaun, I'll make one instead!"  
So he called his droid H-AX, then he took some red thread,  
And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.  
Then he loaded some bags and some old empty sacks,  
On an old hover sled and hitched up old H-AX.  
Then the Rench said, "Giddap!" And the sled started down,  
Toward the homes where the Rebs lay asnooze in their town.  


All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.  
All the Rebels were dreaming sweet dreams without care.  
When he came to the first little house on the square.  
"This is stop number one," the old Renchy Claus hissed,  
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.  
Then he slid down the chimney, a rather tight pinch,  
But, if wookies could do it, then it should be a cinch.  
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.  
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue.  
Where the little Reb stockings all hung in a row.  
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"  
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,  
Around the whole room, and he took every present!  
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Rench, very nimbly,  
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!  
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Rebs' feast!  
He took the Reb-pudding! He took the roast beast!  
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.  
Why, that Rench even took their last can of Reb-hash!  
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.  
"And NOW!" grinned the Rench, "I will stuff up the tree!"  
Then the last thing he took was the log for their fire.  
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.  
And the one speck of food that he left in the house,  
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

Then he did the same thing to the other Rebs' houses  
Leaving crumbs much too small for the other Rebs' mouses!  
It was quarter past dawn... All the Rebs, still a-bed,  
All the Rebs still asnooze, when he packed up his sled,  
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!  
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings! 

And then the Rench noticed a house to the side,  
So small he had missed it. What could be inside?  
So he crept down the chimney and looked 'round to see,  
A room with a kitchen and a small two-foot tree,  
And there in the corner lay a form, quite asleep,  
Of a young Rebel female, light saber at her feet.  
_She’s pretty,_ he thought, but before he could feel,  
_Enough of such thinking_ , he had LifeDay to steal! 

He spied, then, his quarry, presents numbering three.  
But just as he stepped, the floor groaned with a _SKREE_.  
Before he could run, there was a soft gasp,  
The girl was now sitting, saber-hilt in her grasp.  
Before he could speak she was standing and walking.  
Before he could move, her lips, they were talking.

“You came,” she exclaimed with a whispery voice.  
“You came. My wish. My one LifeDay choice.”  
And laying a hand on the side of his chest,  
The girl used her other to bring HIS hand to HER breast.  
“I’m Rey,” said the girl as she backed towards the bed.  
“I know,” lied the Rench, brain-cells bursting in his head.  
“I had wished for a man that was tall like a tree.  
I had wished for a man that could really nail me.  
I must have been good to receive such a man.”  
Her eyes wandered his abs, followed then by her hand.

And, _Oh,_ thought the Rench, his head now a whirring,  
Something in his pants was definitely stirring!  
His dick it did twitch and his dick it did jump,  
Especially when her fingers met IT with a bump.  
There was a warmth now, deep down in his balls.  
Her hand grasped his shaft, and he thought, _Fuck it all_.  
And what happened then? Well...in Rebville they say,  
That the Rench's small dick grew THREE sizes that day! 

He took off her clothes, and he took of his pants,  
And he proceeded to learn the horizontal bed dance.  
He railed her and railed her ‘til she came in delight,  
Then he whizzed with his load through the bright morning light.*  
As they lay, wet and sticky, in a hot panting heap  
He noticed the presents still wrapped under the tree.  
“Where are you going?” she asked as he stood.  
“Not far,” he said, donning his pants and his hood.  
“I have to save LifeDay,” he said with a smile.  
“Keep the bed warm, I’ll be back in a while.”

**Author's Note:**

> [And then Ben gives all the presents back, returns to Rey and they fuck happily ever after]
> 
> *this is an actual line from the original and I had to keep it!
> 
> Hoped you enjoyed. Thank-you [@murderblimp](https://twitter.com/murderblimp/status/1334275307893874690) for the prompt!
> 
> After I wrote this I realized that this was also (essentially) prompted by [@lillyanneeeeeee](https://twitter.com/lillyanneeeeeee/status/1326783924421398529) a few days earlier.
> 
> (And in fact searching Twitter other people also asked for some sort of Reylo Grinch AU. It was inevitable that we would get to this point.)
> 
> [Come find me on twitter](https://twitter.com/InaraLock). All comments welcome.


End file.
